Writing Goal Unachieved? Yes, I HAVE a Reason.

After a semi-long summer of two jobs, a relationship, and my own self-searching, I have finally come to the time where I return to civilization. Ah, what would life be without the airline/booking company dropping the ball and losing me on the flight list? Exactly. It wouldn’t be nearly as thrilling, -or is it maddening?- that’s right! My was thoroughly angered that I was put through so much confusion and stress while trying to obtain my proper flight, but I was rescheduled for one three hours later.
So, even after having about two days of almost pure goodbyes, my boyfriend of over a year (our second long-distance separation as of tonight) and I said goodbye. Ah, youth and emotion. Good combination? In the right flavors, yes. You heard it hear folks, emotions have flavor. They also have smell and physical repressions. Not the best way, but hell, at least we both know how to, and can regularly access, Skype. No longer in a open relationship, I am about to embark on the college experience with an imaginary chastity belt (and not the kind that turns you on) and am scared shit-less. Toys are all fine and dandy, but this girl needs to learn how to keep her sex-drive to herself.
I know I had made resolutions to actually update my blog over the course of the summer, but can I indulge in you the reality of why I was unable? Life happened. It chewed me up, swallowed me, and shat me out. Luckily for me, I handle being digested by karma well. Handling the emotions within your partner due to past death, present death, and depression are hard and are all the more difficult when compounded by all being realized at once. A long night in the ICU waiting room led to a long month of emotional disconnection and then a few days of absolute insanity that was spurred on by an attempted suicide.
Life. What a damn cunt She can be sometimes. However, She didn’t count on this girl-turned-woman-super-quickly to be such a tough cookie. Fuck the bullshit, both parties involved are alive and upset, but at least I now have a plan and it WILL be carried out, regardless of what comes up. Scouts honor.
Then the next big hurdle to begin to jump is college. Moving in on September second, I will be entering my freshman year of college with some pretty damn intense plans: do well in classes while I work and save up and have myself a good time doing in. Majoring in Biology, minoring in Business, I’ll have my hands full applying myself to some trying learning curves. A bright hope shines, however, with my Freshman Seminar course professor. She sent out an email, letting her students know that her Gay History/Politics class will be joining her for a tour of Denver and a visit to the LGBT community center. Can someone say “finally, Noelle, you get to be a part of the community you have been out of touch with for so long”? Yes, someone can say it. Go on. You know you want to (no peer pressure, just one blogger to another, I really fucking want to connect with like-sexually-oriented individuals)!
Whew. Yes. All that, folks, and much MUCH more. Life for this girl is about to be a-changin’ and I will be glad to document all that is entertaining and honest.
Until next time, my dear readers.

Let’s Kick It!

And by “Kick it!” I mean let’s do this thing. So, I know that I haven’t updated you all, my wonderful and ever patient followers, since February. THAT will never do! Therefore, I give a thorough apology and a sincere promise to be more frequent about updating.
March Re-cap:
Completely independent of any cast or sling, I dive into weight lifting and shot put head first. Both of which I begin to advance at fairly quickly. Max out my squat at 155 and bench 125 (no better than before on my bench). Shot put I go on to miss state qualification by mere inches. Very disappointing for me and now I know that running is a natural instinct for me when I become angry. Good for avoiding any nasty confrontations, I suppose.
April Re-cap:
Post injury and within track season I become very lax in my diet and workout regimen. Oh shit. This month started my fall off the tracks. I gained 15 lbs. (February I was 155-actually pretty ripped to be honest-and only 160 or so through March) of fat. At this point I am thinking I will get better as I get closer to summer.
May Re-cap:
Now my final year of high school is pressing me down with all intention to destroy me in the process. College trig on top of English 112 through Mesa University and then an Independent Study AP U.S. History course (that test was killer!) and the rest of my classes. Not to mention the choreography and memorization/perfection of many a swing choir performance and sports, I was a little bit stressed. That was not nearly so bad as any family stress that was also piling up- but we won’t visit that topic.
Regardless of the panic and stress I felt towards the end of the year, I graduated from high school with enough scholarships to allow me to attend the University of Denver starting this fall. Good news also because I had my two way ticket to Alaska purchased and ready to take me to see my significant other.
Being in Alaska also meant jobs.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is where I am currently at: working at a housekeeping job then also working the night shift as a produce worker at a grocery store. On top of that, I might be starting a promotional job soon. This is conducive to a complete breakdown before I head back to the states. Once there, however, I plan on starting things off right.
I get down there a week before freshman orientation which gives me a whole week to train at altitude for the Tough Mudder 10k in SnowMass in September. after that I will be able to do more speed work at the gym at college during orientation. Then, the Tough Mudder. Next will be classes and me connecting wit those around me for socialization…plus all the connections my close friends have in Denver that I can rely on and make friends with. Specifically friends of the LGBT community (yes, it has come time for me to come out to those in my life. So, that means others too and I am still in the dark as far as the world of us LGBT individuals). I guess I’m just excited about not having to stick to one part of my sexual identity now. Or at least now I feel comfortable with it. Then hopefully I can look into getting back in to BJJ again! I know for sure there is a Gracie school out there and I am ecstatic to be back on the mats! It has been too damn long since the last time I rolled. *sigh* But that will change.
Anyways, since moving back to Tok for the summer, I live in a dry cabin (electricity is hooked up, however) and work two jobs. It is actually a lot better than most would expect. Then again, maybe I’m just more tolerant of a structurally regressed home. Either way, it is peaceful and definitely can keep you on your toes. It also shows you how much of a slob you really can be (or just how picky you are about the state of your living space).
I hope to delve more into my writing on this blog shortly for I have many thoughts and want to keep my writing skills sharp (since I already lack in vocal expression I might as well make up for it). The suggestion to me recently is that I write lyrics to a song being created by my fellow and I don’t feel like my poetic spirit has been used enough as of late to portray well colorful feelings as colorful word connections to accompany a tune.
Readers, you are my audience and I hope and wish wholeheartedly that I do an acceptable job at it. Writing is a skill not many posses in a beautiful manner or at least an individualized one.
I leave you with a little observance I have come across in my housekeeping job:
Job places comprised only of women seem to created much more drama and tension than one comprised of both genders.
Farewell for now, you.

OmaHA-HA-HA!

If I lose followers for bashing on the Broncos, so be it. Honestly, I could care less about professional football. Grown men are getting paychecks from playing a game and people take it far too seriously. Anyways! This is more of a recap and I just wanted to share the pun in my title and to let all of you know I ran around a Colorado Walmart yelling “Go Seahawks” at the top of my lungs and got a lot of glares and some avid fans to shout “Shut the f*** up!” That was my Super Bowl Sunday! 

Otherwise, my elbow is finally cleared for light weight lifting! If you consider 4 lbs. true weight lifting. Before this, I didn’t, but when you get sore from it you start to believe in its practical use. So I am a week in and already my strength is returning faster than I would’ve imagined! So very thrilling. I’ve started doing Bosu ball leg workouts too! General balancing on one leg, then attempts at one legged (pistol) squats, and standard squats. I feel the work has really boosted my tiny behind and it’s a great way to add variety to my average leg workout! 

Let us see, what else? Oh! I have finally found second-hand Vonnegut and Robbins novels! Now, I have two of each of these authors’ works in my possession and they make me very happy. I have started diving into writing and reading and art more as of late to find my peace. My physical relief has been spotty, due to lack of strength and bad weather (yoga and running are impossible). To replace the endorphin rush of running, I have been finding solace and enlightenment in books and meditation. It really doesn’t matter what meditation; usually just going in to a trance by having the same song plays for an hour straight and my mind go numb to anything negative, or in complete silence just listening to my body and what is truly on my mind and addressing it.

Also, I have discovered that I haven’t recovered from wrestling yet. The lighter diet that usually left me with no energy and abnormal weight loss has rendered me without any appetite and more often than not I feel sick whenever I eat slightly less small amounts of food. Dangerous, but I am working back up to it. Slowly, slowly. 

Side note: AP U.S. History on a self-guided independent study routine in one semester really is painful. 

I am more anxious for spring and summer than I have ever been before. So much more opportunity is coming my way and I can feel it!

 

What I try to aspire to: the status of a goddess

“A goddess is a woman who emerges from deep within herself. She is a woman who has honestly explored her darkness and learned to celebrate her light. She is a woman who is able to fall in love with the magnificent possibilities within her. She is a woman who knows of the magic and mysterious places inside her, the sacred places that can nurture her soul and make her whole. She is a woman who radiates light. She is magnetic. She walks into a room and male and female alike feel her presence. She has power and softness at the same time. She has powerful sexual energy that’s not dependent on physical looks. She has a body that she adores and it shows by the way she comfortably lives and moves in it. She cherishes beauty, light and love. She is a woman who can ask for help when she needs it or give help when asked. She respects boundaries, hers and another’s. She can see God in another’s eyes. She can see God in her own. She can see God in every life situation. She is woman who takes responsibility for everything she creates in her life. She is a woman who is totally supportive and giving. She is a Goddess.”

Stress and Strain

There was a moment for me this past week when I realized that stress isn’t worth it. What I mean by that is the things we stress over so often are unavoidable and not as bad as we imagine they will be.
Let’s present an example, shall we? At this moment, I am about three weeks in to Comp. 112. Passed 111 with flying colors (as well as a lack of passion come finals week) and have advanced onward. This first assignment, three analytical one-page (roughly) papers. Goodness. So, nothing about them was even remotely interesting to me, with the exception of the two poems: Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night and Invictus. Thoroughly taxed, the difficulty went far higher than I would’ve preferred. I battled through rain forests of thesis ideas and machete hacked into the middle of the allusive “deeper meanings.” Needless to say, it stressed me out more than it should have. I was on the verge of tears many a time, especially on the day they were due. The stress killed a little part of me, I swear. But, now that they’re turned in, mistakes and all, I realize something: why the hell was I so stressed? My grade, due to the teacher, won’t be an A anyways, and it’s just one assignment. One. Silly. Assignment. There will be many more with which I can perk my grade up. No problem! So why stress? Exactly. Don’t stress!
The unnecessary energy I wasted could’ve been used in constructive and positive ways, more so than shaking and worrying, making myself older.
So, this is my challenge to myself, as well as to you, lovely reader: be stress less, or at least work on reducing stress, in your life through all trials.

Stress and Strain

There was a moment for me this past week when I realized that stress isn’t worth it. What I mean by that is the things we stress over so often are unavoidable and not as bad as we imagine they will be.
Let’s present an example, shall we? At this moment, I am about three weeks in to Comp. 112. Passed 111 with flying colors (as well as a lack of passion come finals week) and have advanced onward. This first assignment, three analytical one-page (roughly) papers. Goodness. So, nothing about them was even remotely interesting to me, with the exception of the two poems: Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night and Invictus. Thoroughly taxed, the difficulty went far higher than I would’ve preferred. I battled through rain forests of thesis ideas and machete hacked into the middle of the allusive “deeper meanings.” Needless to say, it stressed me out more than it should have. I was on the verge of tears many a time, especially on the day they were due. The stress killed a little part of me, I swear. But, now that they’re turned in, mistakes and all, I realize something: why the hell was I so stressed? My grade, due to the teacher, won’t be an A anyways, and it’s just one assignment. One. Silly. Assignment. There will be many more with which I can perk my grade up. No problem! So why stress? Exactly. Don’t stress!
The unnecessary energy I wasted could’ve been used in constructive and positive ways, more so than shaking and worrying, making myself older.
So, this is my challenge to myself, as well as to you, lovely reader: be stress less, or at least work on reducing stress, in your life through all trials.

Injuries and Optimism…

Okay, so it’s not all shits and giggles when you dislocated your elbow, but hey, at least nothing was fractured. Yes, ladies and gents, my freaky double jointed elbows finally got the best of me.
Here’s the story:
I was with my team the day before to watch and support our Paonia varsity team compete in the Warrior tournament, but the day I got injured I was in Fruita Monument for a small JV tournament. Three others, one coach, and I were the only ones to come. That was okay, less people to try and impress I suppose. Anyways! The tournament in Delta that I got a win in (won by pin, beat the 160 kid from Durango) and wanted more. The winners infection of Paonia three-peat had gotten hold of me with a strength unmeasured, so I was out for blood. Since I’m not an overly aggressive person, even when wrestling, so my mom “gave me some of her “bitch” (as he put it). I needed it!
My bracket was stacked; all slots filled, no byes. I was at the top of the bracket, tough guys were in my way! But I didn’t think about it. It didn’t matter who I was against, I was going to do my best to win. Pin. PIN!! So, my name is called and I stride out onto the mat, confident and serious. He turns around and attaches his ankle band but I stay put, staring him down and he turns back around. We shake and I waster to time dancing around. We push and hit each other’s heads, but he gets the takedown (without ease, my wizzer was tight enough to cause issues). I fight from the bottom, not allowing hand control and he tried to lock a cradle. Knowing that frequently I mess up by hanging my head over too far, I notice immidiate my when he does! Yes! I hear coach Nate yell out “Head hunt! Head hunt!” I snap into action and wrap my arm around the back of his head and neck and pull down hard. Reversal!!! I have him locked, but not thoroughly enough to pin. I slid down too far. I lost the position and we were both up. (FYI, I forgot a lot of details, so somewhere in there he got 3 points, one escape and two takedown, and I got seven points, two reversal, three near fall, two takedown) Time ran out and I had the choice. I chose top, and he escaped, just to be taken back down. I was in my zone!!! I had never felt this confident in my technique or strength in wrestling before! He attempted to pop up but didn’t get far (this is where it gets ugly!): I had one arm around his waist, my left arm posted on the mat for leverage, and one leg around his ankle. I went to pull him down and when his weight came down on me I heard a snap and crackle (snap, crackle, POP! Noelle’s elbow! Haha) and watched as my elbow dislocated. I screamed!! Oh did I scream! I want to say I let out six good ones before I finally realized what happened. The shock was worse than he pain. It wasn’t clear from the sidelines so people crowded and ask “what’s wrong?” To that I replied, in my oh so subtle manner, ” do you not see my f****ng elbow!?!?” They realized what Hellenes and the paramedics were called I held it and rolled to my back. I laid there until I was cleared to be taken to the hospital. Funny enough, I was happy. Not truly, but in that delirious and inappropriate way. I was joking with everyone but asked to have my opponent called over. He looked so nervous! I congratulated him, told him a wrestled well, then shook his hand (the way a match is supposed to end). When he left his coach told me “Too bad, you would’ve beat him too!” I just laughed and told him damn straight I would’ve! I truly had no filter and it only got worse the more meds I was given. I’ll cut to another good part: while I was under sedation at the hospital, unconsciously I was swearing and trying to knee the doctor in the face when he was trying to put my elbow back. A series of MF’s spewed and my mom had to sit on my legs to prevent anyone any injury. The doctor almost had to give up and get anther doctor to do it, too: I was fighting it the whole time and I almost proved to strong for him.
It turned out alright though: the dislocation was set back and the only thing bad was the outside ligament tore in two and the tissue all around my elbow and my tricep were mangled. No fracture though, so no surgery and less time off.
Though it is upsetting: no more wrestling. This probably means forever. This was my last season..but good news I will be healed in time to train BJJ in the fall in Denver! Just wanted to update you, my lovely followers! More details on more events at a later date!

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